Remember a time before gaming became cool? When merchandise and tie-ins generally resulted in products that were a little bit naff at best? We hate to be unkind, but these new Sonic trainers from Puma and Sega have taken us back to the 1990s. But not in a good way.

There are two designs available globally from June 5th, 2018, based around the iconic duo of Sonic the Hedgehog and his nemesis Dr Eggman. The PUMA x SEGA RS-0 Sonics are inspired by the Green Hill Zone with the green and yellow accents. You also get details like the familiar gold rings. But the main blue suede is textured to resemble fur.

What sounds like a cool idea ends up looking like your mum threw your new sneakers in the washing machine. And you couldn’t find a lint roller afterwards. I don’t blame anyone for thinking it might be a cool idea to try, but surely there must have been a pre-production model that demonstrated it just doesn’t work? It looks like someone took a promo pair of trainers from 1991 and stuffed them in a dusty attic for 27 years.

The only explanation is that Sonic runs so fast and generates so much static that he attracts dust and fluff wherever he goes?

The details inside the new Sonic trainers from Puma and Sega are about the only redeeming feature. Why have gold rings in the inner sides of the shoes, but not use them for actual lace holes, for example? And I’m still struggling to get past the fur effect.

But there’s more.

Now we have the PUMA x SEGA RS-0 Dr. Eggmans. And at least they’re not furry. But if you watched gaming TV shows or read videogames magazines back in the day, you might remember when clueless celebrities would be wheeled in to try and play a game whilst promoting their latest products. These shoes just make me think of Ginger Spice or a similar pop star making a hamfisted attempt at a Sonic speedrun.

Again, the character image and insole look OK. But the yellow and black striped accents on red? I’m not a designer, but why? They could have gone with red and black, and a giant bushy moustache instead.

I can’t image why anyone might want the new Sonic trainers from Puma and Sega. But if you do, they’ll be on sale from June 5th, 2018, and will cost you $130. And your dignity, obviously.